Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March