Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Room with a view.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok