*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
new career option?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*