Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
This is my bus stop.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.