I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that