*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
become ungovernable
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I have never related to a cat more
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie