one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.