sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
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pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill