I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
me: my friends:
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay