[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.