6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.