Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
You Might Also Like
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
mmm onion ringos
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell