[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
don’t we all
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom