Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You Might Also Like
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.