I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*