Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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Oh my God.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Has science gone too far?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT