1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
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*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Florida man
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school