Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it