Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.