Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
no regrets
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.