My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Blew my mind.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
#parenting
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE