MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.