My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Bring back the McRib
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
A roof is a house hat.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.