So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012