I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.