Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Knock Knock
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”