i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Sunday
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.