“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong