Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
spicy snake
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.