Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.