It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
True.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.