I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You Might Also Like
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
wishing you and yours all the best
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I only look at Wordle for the articles
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’m calling the cops.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.