When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.