My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
You Might Also Like
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
This made me chuckle.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”