Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”