“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
yea so i messed up lol
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”