Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
pat pat
Hit me in the face with a bird
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE