In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Oh my God.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
They grow up so quick
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.