Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
You Might Also Like
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2