I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe