So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Spotted in New Orleans.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.