Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
you gotta be faster
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do