Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me