4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again