It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Love this one 😂🧟
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”