[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion