Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder