My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Lmao the reply
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.