me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
(True)
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Feels
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.