Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A family that plays together cheats.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
🤣🤣
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles